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+ 4:56 p.m.
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I am twenty five in 7 hours. I swallow this undeniable fact like the myriad of pills that have become my daily existence...just another part of this great unfounded life.
I sit in my office under the buzzing lights and recall a moment in time when I vowed to never be contained. I exchange pleasentries with those higher on the foodchain than myself. I order the bosses lunch. I argue with mechanics as to who is going to take the Stanley Cup this year. I return to our tiny and dark one bedroom closet. I dream of bigger things. I have abandoned the "divide & conquer" mentality that I used to perceive for myself. I have become domesticated. I have become aversed to late nights, wild parties, reckless love. I opt for quiet and still. I dream of becoming a mother. I dream of living in a real house. I dream of not having debt. I dream of returning to and finishing college and teaching the works of dead prophets to indifferent teenagers.
And yet in the deep and crowded corners of my soul, I ache to be free. I cry for those wild nights I never really had. I sob for my friends I have left behind in my persuit of appeasing a man who may or may not really love me. I disengaged myself and crept away in the twilight of my early twenties. I told myself they were better off without me. I didn't really operate in their world and they would only find mine to be pathetic...dull...
And now, in these hours before my quarter century milestone, there is no one to call and no goofy girlfriends to tell me this is just the beginning.
I had my chance to run and I let it pass with the remainder of the summer heat, dribbling off into the gutters.
Instead of "I" I use "we" when planning the rest of my life and instead of "when" I use "if."
Let it be known:in some alternate universe, otherworldy existence, magnificant lifetime I would have been great.