e+mail
diary+land
+reunion.+
+01.13.04
+ 3:45 a.m.
+
I know I know I know...
don't look at me that way. I know what you're thinking.
"...but you said you were finished here...you said it was time to let go...you said it hurt too much..."
It's 3:46 AM...what the fuck else am I gonna do? SLEEP???
Apparently not tonight.
So here I am, again, in a quiet room in the middle of the night with nothing left inside of me.
I hate my fucking head sometimes. I hate how it works or doesn't...
I hate how it keeps going over and over and over things that I tried so desperatly to put behind me.
So I have these conversations with myself I say "SELF!!! Now you fucking listen to me....
we both know it was never meant to be.
We both know he doesn't love us and as to whether or not he ever REALLY did, well, the jury is still deciding.
We both know that he would have been here all those night we were ready to die...if only he had wanted to be.
We both know that for all we really know he may be falling in love with someone else, this very minute.
We both know we were to blame and he was to blame and so was the rest of the fucking world.
We both know the big C word was never a possibility and we are the hopelessly romantic type that dream of loving one person and one person only forever and ever and taking care of him until he dies or divorces us...whichever comes first.
We both know we argued with him alot.
We both know it not what he wanted.
It's not what he wanted.
It's not what he wanted.
It's not what he wanted.
So why are we sitting here at 4 in the morning thinking about him and replaying every single fucking hopeless second of this past year over and over?
How come we can't just fucking let go like we were so ready to, like we agreed to do so many times, like we started to night after night..."
And so it continues through out the night
and into the swell of the morning.