e+mail
diary+land
+slide.+
+09.29.03
+ 11:27 p.m.
+
I'm restless tonight.
It's way too quiet in here and I'm dousing myself in would of's could of's should of's and lighting a match.
I don't understand anything/nothing/all of it/none of it...
I don't understand why I am such a bad person? Why I'm not allowed to be in a happy commited relationship with the person I love. I'm jealous...soooooo fucking jealous of everyone that has someone to fall asleep next to at night, everyone who is made to feel like they matter, everyone who doesn't feel sick to their stomach when they see that person.
I feel as though I have been wasting my breath for 7 months. I know I can't change the way he feels about me and I know I will never again hear him say "I love you".
So why am I still having such a hard time with all of this?
I have these dreams in the middle of the night that make me cry in my sleep. He's in every one of them and he's always with someone else, telling me things that break my heart.
That can't be healthy.
I know that this is mostly one sided. I know that he doesn't care the way he used to. I know that he doesn't want a future with me. I know that he gets so annoyed when I don't back away.
So what is it that makes me so fucking undesirable?
Alot of things over the past few weeks should have set warning bells off in my head, alarms telling me that I'm an idiot for sticking around and an idiot for ever thinking things would work out.
But it's so hard to turn your back on the person you love.
Well, it's hard for me anyways...
Now is the time that I'm looking for answers. I've been good about avoiding the subject for the most part but I can't anymore.
I want answers...to everything...because I refuse to spend the rest of my life chasing after someone who gave up months ago.
This is it. This is my last entry detailing this heartache and confusion. I have filled page after page after page with every thought in my body and it has gotten me nowhere.
I feel no better and no worse having done so.
(+04.09.03 + 1:14 p.m. + +midnight fairytales+ It scares me that reality could set in and this will all dissolve and I'll be left standing exactly where I was before. I don't know.)