e+mail
diary+land
+heartache and stuffed shells+
+12.23.01
+ 6:34 p.m.
+
went to charlie's party last night. well, let me back up a bit here. i spent most of yesterday in town, shopping and walking around seeing people. stopped in the store for a few moments of weirdness. but i just went in all smiles and an award winning facade and it was all good. i hung out at the lion's den for a while which was cool. it made me smile but they were genuine smiles. i then made the mistake of going back tot he store and the apartment for a few minutes which was a big mistake. blah blah blah, drama drama drama, then missy picked me up and we went to the aforementioned party where i ate like a football player and was surrounded by a roomful of middle aged happy go lucky gay guys. it was ok. missy was the only reason i went and even though i was in extreme pain, physically, i couldn't back out on her. i know it was important so i went. and i did have an okay time so it was no big deal. i think it would have been different if i knew everyone but whatever. it was down.
last night i got a call from mickey and it was slightly disturbing and i could barely hear him and it made me upset and i suddenly realized everything was changing and in 5 weeks he'll be out and i'm scared for him and us and everything else...
sigh.
today i've done nothing other than talk on the phone, watch Sliding Doors, take a shower, eat noodle suop, drink wine, sleep....
the various phone calls i recieved today were both upsetting and heartbreaking and exciting and confusing. why are things so fucking weird right now? everything is! nothing is easy or simple or okay. as soon as one thing comes together, everything else falls right apart. as soon as i start to heal, someone else breaks in half.
thats life, i guess. it's not your job to figure it out.